What Will Be

Dear God, 

Conversations like these are few and far between.

What’s the love of a Father?

I only understand what I’ve been shown

This self-inflicted demand to earn it

To prove it

This unwavering love

Yet the blessings heaped upon their heads seem otherwise unwarranted.

But that’s the point isn’t it?

Unmerited favor

But why can’t I receive it

Instead I watch the carefree smiles of 

others, those who feel the Father’s love,

who feel their father’s love.

But I can’t feel it. 

You say you care about the number of hairs on my head

But they keep falling out and

I keep falling down, like my spirit keeps falling down

As each moment that’s formed me is

laced with abandonment

My highest joy turns to my lowest grief as love found is love lost. 

Break these chains. 

For I am shackled by loyalty to my personal and family history

Romanticizing sadness just to feel alive

But God, once you remove the chains,

Who am I to adorn them again? 

 

I will yell at the top of my lungs with a sound like the sobs that escaped from my dad’s belly when I blamed him for his pain. 

I just fell apart.

And all I could do was pick up all my own pieces and try to shove them back where they belonged.

And what was left was a haphazardly self-reconstructed little girl with sharp edges.

She cut whoever came close enough to touch her. 

These ghosts of Christmases past threaten to come back and haunt me

And at the Bow and Arrow Lodge there will

Always be a vacancy

God, release me! 

Recognition of the “issues” but I can’t let go entirely.

Steps One, Two, and Three.

“Give all control to me.

and I will guide you to where you ought to be.”

If only it were that easy. 

Take away the allusion of all I am for others to see.

 

 

Because Jesus, you told me I am PRECIOUS

Adored, Cherished

Valuable and costly. 

I no longer have to prove it. 

Let it be

That yours is the only opinion that matters to me. 

And when I start to wander down the path of obscurity

Remind me of what you once told me 

Loudly

Let it be a sweet, sweet sound in my ear. 

Play Your song. 

Draw me near. 

Bree BarelaComment